Do you want wheat bread? Mayo on each side? Cheeses? Bologna? No, I am not talking about living a life making sandwiches, although we are still doing that for both generations. I am talking about being the sandwich generation, still in the midst of parenting your children, while caring for your parents. I really didn’t expect to be in this position in my early 50’s. My grandmother that I was closest to lived to be 103 and was still living by herself at 100 and renewed her driver’s license at 95, so I expected my parents to do the same. However, in late 2014, I began seeing some signs of dementia with my Dad. He was a CPA by trade and I was fortunate enough with my job, that I was able to visit 3-4 times a year (he lives 1000 miles away). Then, in late 2015 he wanted to take care of the legal stuff, power of attorney, on his bank accounts, knowing where his passwords, etc. Not knowing that in May of 2016, he would take a fall that would change all of our lives. He fell and couldn’t remember either my brother or my name to have the hospital call us. He was in the hospital for a week before we found out. The rest of the story includes rehab, months spent in his town, navigating the health care system for the elderly, Adult daycare, a full-time live-in caregiver and maintaining his business so he has an income. Now my Dad will turn 80 this month and I expected him to continue to live on his own and not need help for years to come.
How do we manage both our immediate family needs and taking care of the needs of our parents? How can we maintain a balance? Who gets the most of us? How do we take care of ourselves?
First, you have to know that my husband has been extremely supportive. We lost both of his parents in their 60’s, so every day, we wish that we could be taking care of them also.
Second, it is so very important to model and include your children in the process. I had our youngest son travel with me during the summer in 2016 to help me clean up Dad’s house.
Third, taking care of your parents is an amazing way to model God’s love to your children and others around you. My dad has dementia. Until this disease he was a tyrant. Not a very nice man to be around and our relationship was surface at best. Now, however, he is a gentle, appreciative, respectful man. (Our oldest daughter experienced the tyrant, so this person is an enigma to her.). By me making his care a priority and seeing him at least every other month, I am Honoring my father as I am commanded by scripture.
12 Honor your father and your mother so that you may have a long life in the land that the LORD your God is giving you
The Holy Bible: Holman Christian standard version. (2009). (Ex 20:12). Nashville: Holman Bible Publishers.
Fourth, we need to understand our limitations and get help. This looks different for everyone and the circumstances. Help may be, having someone else drive them to Dr.’s appointments, help maybe daycare several days a week or respite care if they are living with you. For our family, neither, my Dad or my Mom and Stepdad will live with us. That is a hardline for us. For others, that may be the best solution. If it is, look at ways to manage that so you can have a break.
Fifth, NO REGRETS! No matter, how you structure this season of your life, evaluate each section of the journey so you have no regrets. I didn’t want to get to the end of Dad’s life and regret that I hadn’t taken care of him as I knew that I should. But, I also didn’t want to suddenly find myself an empty nester and have missed important things in my kid’s lives. But, most important, I need to make sure that I was taking time for my marriage and the life that we have built together.
